Are you a new parent?

Well, congratulations and welcome to the team!

I am a mother to a one-year-old baby, and whenever I meet new couples who are expecting their first baby, the question that I get asked a lot is, “have you got any parenting advice for new dads and moms?”

And my first reaction is to give a sarcastic laugh and then reply, “Yes, it is time that you bid your life goodbye!”

Now, does this sound cruel to you? Well, I am just being sarcastic, you know. But really, your life is going to be a LOT difficult, now that you have got the entire responsibility of a little human being.

Each and every child is different. They have got different needs. And they are going to make your life difficult in different ways!

Jokes apart, our babies are blessings in your lives, isn’t it? No matter how they keep you up all night, you just cannot think of your life without them. You crave their touch.

Parenting is not an easy job. It requires all your time, attention, care, and love. And for new parents, getting used to this new routine can take time. As a result, you may seek advice from experienced parents. In this post, I have come up with some funny advice to new parents that are sure to make your day!

Funny Advice and Parenting Tips for New Parents

I know you are struggling to get used to this new phase of life and trying hard to be the best mommy or daddy. So, I am here to make you feel relaxed and have a laughing session with some funny parenting advice. Are you up for it? Scroll down.

• Are you scared of spiders? Then train your kid so that THEY can be the ones to deal with them. And you don’t have to do it.

• If your kid comes to you and asks for duct tape, try NOT to give it. Because what they are going to do with it next is not a good thing.

• Take a dozen socks, hide their matches and ask your kid to find them. Now enjoy a cup of hot coffee. You can thank me later.

• If your 2-year-old kid says, “I’m going to poop,” please take them seriously! I just came back from taking a shower.

• Do you know what happens when you listen to your kid every time they ask for something or throw tantrums? Well, Trump happens!

• Are you fed up with your kid’s duty and want some time for yourself? Make a paper airplane for them and turn the ceiling fan on. This will buy you at least five minutes.

• Is your kid driving you crazy? Play hide and seek with them. Tell them to hide, and you count up to 1000.

• If your kid tells you they had a bad dream, don’t try to comfort them by saying, “It’s okay, dear, the reality is much worse.” This will NOT comfort them!

• Have you noticed that your kids have started getting along all of a sudden and are nice to each other? Be suspicious. Very, very suspicious.

• Are you looking for your kids in your home for quite some time but can’t find them? Try turning off the internet. This will make them appear from nowhere. You can trust me on this!

• Don’t want your kids to bother you for at least some time? Wear clothes matching the furniture of your home. This way, your kids will not be able to find you as they will think you are part of the bed or the couch.

• Make sure to let your kids know that stealing is not something they should ever do. But in case they do, it should be something that their dad can use.

• What if your kid insists that you play trains with them? Pretend to be stuck in a tunnel. So, you don’t have to do anything or even move.

• When your 2-year-old calls you from another room just to tell you that they are “not poopie,” there is a 100% chance they DID poop!

• If you are at a park and your toddler is not holding your hand, put them on roller skates. After that, I can assure you that they are not letting you off you.

• If your toddler is sitting on a chair and throwing a ball or something on the ground. NEVER pick that up for them. Because, once you do that, they are going to repeat that again and again. And YOU are going to have to pick it up for them. Now please excuse me; I’m tired as hell. 

• Don’t show your anger in front of your one-and-a-half-year-old kid. Once they see you react that way, they are going to remember that and do the same thing when they don’t get something they want.

• Does your kid ask a lot of questions? Ask them an open-ended question, and you will find out what knowledge they already have about it.

• If you cannot meet any of your goals, it is okay to justify by saying, “At least I take care of kids and feed them on time.”

• If your kid wants to wear something stupid even after you ask them not to, and then they actually feel stupid, make sure to say, “I told you so.”

• If you have the habit of reading books to your toddler, you can tell them that you wrote all of them. They are not that smart, so they will believe you.

• In case you are bribing your kid, ALWAYS Google its price before you agree to buy it. I’m broke now.

• If you want your kid to go to bed early, put them to bed at 6 p.m., and the time they will actually sleep will be 9.30 p.m.

• Want to get your kid to pay attention to you? All you need is to play a random video on YouTube, and they will be right by your side in seconds.

• If your kid is not listening to you, threaten them to call Santa and put them on the list of naughty kids, so they don’t get any gifts during Christmas.

Bonus Read: 101 Funniest Christmas Jokes for a Good Laugh

• Do you have more than one kid? Then teach them to annoy each other, so they get less time to annoy you.

• Maybe you should not leave Legos on the floor of a dark room.

• No matter how hard you try not to, you WILL get pooped on one day. And you can do nothing about it. I’m telling this to you so that you can at least be mentally prepared.

• If you have a toddler, never eat ice cream in front of them. Open the fridge only when they are in bed.

• If your kid starts crying, you start crying louder. This will make them stop crying soon, and they will be concerned about you.

• If your kid is making a huge fuss while eating and throwing their food, beat up their teddy.  This will make your kid eat their own food.

• Buy as many tissues as you can. You are going to need all of them.

• Once you have given birth to your first child, go buy 15 years’ worth of poster board. Trust me. This will save you from those innumerable late-night trips to CVS.

• Want to find hidden Easter eggs? Start with checking your tailpipe.

• Don’t teach your kid how to read. This way, they will not know if you skip pages while reading to them.

• If you are a new parent, buy a notebook and write down all the funny things that your child does. Then, you can give it to them when they grow up, or tell them how they used to do funny things when they were kids.

• Never read, look, or watch something funny while you are next to your sleeping baby or holding your sleeping baby. Now please excuse me while I put my toddler to bed again after waking them up laughing aloud.

• Your baby is going to poop on you, or you are going to get poop on you anyhow. This is going to happen, no matter what. The sooner you get used to it, the better. And when that happens, just wipe it with your pant and continue doing what you were doing. You can clean them later. But if there is a lot of poop, just go under the shower with your kid because you know you are going to end up there sooner or later.

• It is important that you pay extra attention in choosing what to give your baby to eat. Give them spaghetti only when they are going to take a bath next.

• Have your kid learned a magic trick or a joke? Beware of them!

• When your toddler sneezes on your face for the first time, make sure NOT TO LAUGH. Because if you do, you are actually going to have purposeful sneezes in your face for years.

• Always stay prepared to go to the hospital. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is. Now that you have a toddler, you never know what they are going to do next!

• I’m a good mom. I want to encourage and support whatever dreams and goals my kid has. But right now, my one-and-a-half-year-old daughter’s only goal in life seems to be to open and close all the cupboards that we have in our house.

• Being a parent means just walking around the house and cleaning up all the mess your kid has created before going on to sleep. And then, when they wake up from their sleep, you are repeating the same routine.

• Now that you have become a parent, it’s time to say goodbye to privacy. I don’t have any privacy in my washroom too. Whenever I go to the washroom, my one-and-a-half-year-old starts crying. She wants to go to the washroom with me. So I take her with me. One good thing is that she is getting her potty training this way!

• My kid doesn’t want to wear diapers. Every time I change her diaper, she cries. So now I put a diaper on her teddy too. You can try that.

• ALWAYS buy diapers in bulk. You are going to need all of them. Trust me.

• Is there any rhyme that your baby loves? My baby loves “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” Just know that it’s the melody that your baby likes, and the words don’t matter. I sing to the tune of her favorite rhyme and vent all my frustrations. And she falls asleep. This is the best therapy ever!

• Is your kid biting you? Bite them back. And they will stop.

• A one-and-a-half-year-old is like a blender. The only difference is that they don’t have a cover. So, just blend with them.

• If you have a newborn baby who needs exclusive breastfeeding, all you will ever want is to have a peaceful nap. But that is something you are never going to have.

• Say goodbye to romance. My one-year-old daughter is so possessive that she starts crying whenever my husband hugs me or even gets close to me.

• Be prepared to clean all the mess that your baby is going to create. The good thing is that this will increase your patience. For example, my one-year-old throws food on the floor whenever I try to feed her. In the beginning, I used to shout at her. But now I let her do that. And clean that up later.

• Once you have kids, forget “me-time.” All you are going to have is “kids’ time.”

• When you can’t say if your kid is crying or laughing, you don’t need to find out. Just keep your distance, turn on the music, and put on your headphones. You are not going to get back this time. So enjoy.

• Do you have a three-year-old daughter? DO NOT leave her alone near scissors after she has watched “Tangled.”

• Make your kids understand how good it feels to sit on the couch so they don’t make you get up and do stuff.

• Are you taking your kid to a public pool? Make sure to add a little pee to their bathwater the night before so that they can get accustomed to the water.

• If your baby pulls your hair, you pull their hair. Soon they will stop.

• Can’t afford fireworks? Take some q-tips and put rubbing alcohol on them. Now fire them up and introduce the mini sparklers you just made to your kid.

So, these are my funny advice to new parents. Let me know which one made you laugh the most in the comments!