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Planned Parenthood Sucks
hood sucks, why do we love it? Because we're addicted.

If parenthood sucks, why do we love it? Because we’re addicted.

The Hidden Brain

Parents Are Junkies

At the end of a long day, after a rotten commute filled with road rage and little accomplished at work, with chores piled up at home and the weekend nowhere in sight, my 4-year-old daughter clambered onto the sofa next to me, cuddled into my arms, and planted a moist, unasked-for kiss on my cheek.

Poof. The exhaustion disappeared, the frustrations of the day melted away. I soaked in a bath of oxytocin. Everything was right with the world.

But wait. We’re getting ahead of ourselves.

In the last few months, parents and researchers have been at war. Evidence has piled up to show that becoming a parent does not make people happier; it makes them unhappier. The data show that marriage increases happiness, but children reduce it. Marriages are vulnerable to divorce shortly after the arrival of children.

People who don’t have kids think studies that prove kids are stressful are about as interesting as studies that show falling off tall buildings produces injuries. “Duh,” they say. If you’ve been on a red-eye flight where a bawling baby kept the whole cabin awake through the night, you’ve seen deplaning passengers muttering about how they can’t wait for the day when infanticide is legal.

Parents spend endless hours commiserating with one another about the travails of parenthood. Yet when researchers present data about children and unhappiness, parents rise up in protest. Research may depict parenthood as a bile-inducing, rage-fueling, stress-producing ordeal, but parents tell us that becoming parents is the best thing they ever did. Nonparents write off this reaction as defensiveness—if you’ve screwed up by having a kid and don’t want to admit it, you pretend to be happy—but parents regularly choose to have more than one child. If parenthood were as subjectively awful as the objective research implies, wouldn’t all parents stop at one child? It’s one thing to claim that a stubbed toe doesn’t hurt, and quite another to aim a second kick at the chair.

The research into happiness and parenting arrives at its results by measuring how people feel at regular intervals during the day. If you asked parents every 15 minutes how they feel, the data would read:

7:15 a.m.: Max spilled water on the breakfast table and ruined my Mac. God!

7:30 a.m.: Rachel slapped Max. Max pulled Rachel’s hair. I need tranquilizers.

7:45 a.m.: On way out to drop Rachel at school bus, Max has diaper accident. Rush back to change him, miss school bus. I need liquor.

8:00 a.m.: Gas needle points to “empty,” but I keep driving to get Rachel to school on time. Car stalls in major intersection. Drivers curse me. I discover I left my cell phone at home. I bang my head repeatedly on steering wheel.

And so on.

One of my favorite psychologists, Dan Gilbert at Harvard,   often quotes a study conducted by Daniel Kahneman that found that spending time with children makes mothers about as happy as vacuuming. *

And yet. Let’s go back to the sofa and that cuddle and kiss. It was a fleeting moment, but it genuinely changed how I felt about the day.

It was at that moment of bliss that I realized how the objective parenting research and the subjective parenting experience could both be right. Parenting is a grind, and most parents are stressed out much more than they are happy. But when parents think about parenting, they don’t remember the background stress. They remember the cuddle and the kiss. Parenting is a series of intensely high highs, followed by long periods of frustration and stress, during which you go to great lengths to find your way back to that sofa and that kiss.

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We have a name for people who pursue rare moments of bliss at the expense of their wallets and their social and professional relationships: addicts.

Children regularly give parents the kind of highs that only narcotics can rival. The unpredictability of those moments of bliss is an important factor in their addictiveness. If you give animals a predictable reward—say, a shot of sugar every time they press a lever—you can get them to press that lever quite regularly. But if you want irrational and addictive behavior, you make the reward unpredictable. Pressing the lever produces sugar, but only once every 10 tries. Sometimes, the animal might have to go 20 or 30 tries without a reward. Sometimes it gets a big jolt of sugar three tries in a row. If you train an animal to work for an unexpected reward, you can get it to work harder and longer than if you train it to work for a predictable reward.

We’ve all seen those sad people sitting at slot machines in a casino, methodically feeding coin after coin into the slots. If you made their reward predictable—after precisely every 20 attempts, they would always get a prize—you would lower the addictive power of slots. It’s the unpredictability that drives them. Or, to put it another way, it’s the hope for reward, not the reward itself, that drives them.

I suspect oxytocin works the same way. The unexpected, kind, and loving things that children do produce chemical surges in their parents’ brains like the rush of the pipe or the needle. Like addicts, parents will sacrifice anything for the glimpses of heaven that their offspring periodically provide.

I don’t know if there is empirical evidence to back me up, but it’s conceivable that the neurological mechanisms of addiction—in all their irrational and self-defeating pathologies—are based on underlying mechanisms in the hidden brain that are designed by natural selection to make us seek out—and enjoy—parenthood.

So spare a moment of compassion for the next junkie you see. And spare a smile for the next parent you run into. Junkies we are—and proud of it.

Correction, Nov. 15, 2010:This article originally said that psychologist Dan Gilbert found that spending time with children makes mothers about as happy as vacuuming. Gilbert has cited that study, but it is not his own. ( Return to the corrected sentence.)

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Frequently Asked Questions About parenthood sucks

If you have questions that need to be answered about the topic parenthood sucks, then this section may help you solve it.

Is parenthood overrated?

Studies have found that child-rearing is, if you can believe it, a little overrated. In surveys of twins raised together and apart, behavioral scientists consistently found that nature overpowered nurture in almost all categories, from character and intelligence to happiness and health

Is it normal to not enjoy parenting?

Yes, it’s normal to be annoyed by parenting?and by your kids?sometimes. But some people are more likely than others to find themselves struggling to find joy in parenting?for starters, anyone who is prone to depression and anxiety, says Pearlman

Why is parenthood so hard?

While there’s certainly a lot of joy involved in parenthood, it is not unusual to also feel overwhelmed with negative feelings: anxiety, confusion, frustration, depression. Parenthood also puts a lot of pressure on a parents’ relationships, which can lead to more stress

What is the hardest parenting age?

A recent survey showed that parents of 12- to 14-year-old teens had a harder time than parents of toddlers, elementary school children, high school children, and adult children. From toddler tantrums to teen angst, parenting children at any age can be tough

Is it normal to regret having kids?

Experiencing regret about having kids can be a lonely, difficult experience. It’s important to realize that you aren’t alone, and that not every parent finds having children a fulfilling or rewarding experience. You are not a bad person if you experience regret.

Do people regret not having kids?

Whether you made a conscious decision to remain childless, or it was foisted on you by circumstances outside of your control, it is natural to sometimes regret not having children. In fact, almost every non-parent has wondered if they should have had children?especially as they age.

What is cold mother syndrome?

Emotionally absent or cold mothers can be unresponsive to their children’s needs. They may act distracted and uninterested during interactions, or they could actively reject any attempts of the child to get close. They may continue acting this way with adult children.

Is it normal to not want to be a mom anymore?

Many moms are also juggling their own feelings as well as worrying about the feelings of their children. Combine that with a general sense of fatigue and a lack of free time, and it’s normal to occasionally feel like saying, “I hate being a mom,” even when you know you love your children.

Is it harder to raise kids now?

Parenting is challenging no matter the era, but parents today face unique challenges compared to their past counterparts. According to Pew Research Center, sixty-six percent of U.S. parents say raising kids is more difficult now than it was two decades ago.

What does parental burnout feel like?

?Parental burnout is a state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. It leaves parents feeling chronically fatigued, often experiencing sleep and concentration problems, and it can lead to depression, chronic anxiety, and illness.?

What is the most annoying age of a child?

A quarter of parents admitted the time period between 6 and 8 years old held the most brutal meltdowns. The new survey asked 2,000 parents of school-age children about the ups, downs and precious moments they cherish.

What is a boomerang child?

Boomerang children are young adults or other adult children who move back in with their parents after living independently. Often, boomerang children return to their parents for economic reasons such as low wages, low savings, high debt, or unemployment, or global financial crisis.

What is the hardest age for a girl?

Because of how different puberty and teenage hormones can be depending on the child, it can be hard to narrow down which age is the worst for teenage girls. But it does tend to be the first few years of puberty, typically experienced at age 14.

What age are kids not cute anymore?

The answer? The big drop-off in cuteness appears to happen around age 4 1/2 — between preschool and kindergarten. Men and women rated infants as more likeable and more attractive than toddlers, who, in turn are rated as more attractive than young children.

What is the average age of leaving home?

At EU level, young women left on average their parental household at the age of 25.5 years while young men did it at the age of 27.4 years.

What is sandwich generation?

A Profile of the Sandwich Generation. Adults who are part of the sandwich generation?that is, those who have a living parent age 65 or older and are either raising a child under age 18 or supporting a grown child?are pulled in many directions.

What age is too late to move out?

Many commentators agreed that 25 – 26 is an appropriate age to move out of the house if you are still living with your parents. The main reason for this acceptance is that it’s a good way to save money but if you’re not worried about money you may want to consider moving out sooner.

What is the oldest age to move out?

In many areas, the age of majority is 16, which means you can move out on your own at that point. However, if the age of majority is over 16 where you live, you will likely need to be legally emancipated or get your parents’ permission before you move out.

What is the mid life squeeze?

It can be best described as the ?big squeeze? ? a period during which middle-aged adults are increasingly confronted with the impossible choice of deciding how to split their time and money between themselves, their parents and their kids.

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Planned Parenthood Sucks