Helen:
It sounds like a boy Garry’s age needs a man around the house.

Tod:
Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He’d say, “Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast.” You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]

Grandma:
You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil:
Oh?

Grandma:
Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil:
What a great story.

Grandma:
I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Julie:
He said that he loved me.

Helen:
Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Julie:
[door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie] If he thinks I’m having his baby now, he’s crazy!

Helen:
[shocked] Baby?

George Bowman:
Your daughter’s having a baby?

Helen:
[even more shocked] A baby?

George Bowman:
You’re going to be a grandma?

Helen:
[laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I’m too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.

[shouts]

Helen:
I was at Woodstock, for Christ’s sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who’s helicopter as it flew away!

[gestures wildly]

George Bowman:
I was at Woodstock.

Helen:
[shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!

Tod:
Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?

[Helen nods]

Tod:
That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?

[Helen nods again]

Tod:
Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first… boner. You know what that is?

Helen:
If memory serves.

Tod:
Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he’s been… uh… slappin’ the salami. No offense.

Helen:
No.

Tod:
Apparently, he’s goin’ for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that’s what little dudes do – we’ve all done it. It made him happy.

Helen:
Garry was happy?

Tod:
He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!

Larry Buckman:
[after he rolls from a moving car, he stands up and brushes himself off] Hi, Dad. Dinner ready?

Frank:
[bewildered] What was that?

Larry Buckman:
Huh? Oh, some – friends were just dropping me off.

Frank:
Friends? Friends slow down, they even stop!

[Larry walks away chuckling as Cool catches up to him]

Susan Buckman Merrick:
[after breaking the lock on Gary’s bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one – graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.

[sees the sex action on the television]

Grandma:
What channel is this?

Helen:
No Gran, this is a tape.

Grandma:
[to Susan] She needs a man… Now!

Helen:
Gran, this isn’t mine. I don’t watch this!

Grandma:
[to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

Karen:
I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I’m concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.

Gil:
Yeah, if she’s so brilliant, why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR’S CAR?

Gil:
What’s the matter, honey? You don’t feel so good?

Taylor:
Yeah.

Gil:
You feel like you wanna throw up?

Taylor:
Okay.

[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying]

Karen:
Oh Taylor, baby… Gil, why are you standing there?

Gil:
Waiting for her head to spin around.

Stan:
You don’t talk like a kid.

Young Gil Buckman:
Yeah, well I’m not really a kid.

Stan:
You’re not a duck.

Young Gil Buckman:
This is a memory of when I was a kid. I’m 35 now. I have kids of my own. You don’t even really exist. You’re an amalgam.

Stan:
A what?

Young Gil Buckman:
A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years. I combined them into one memory.

Stan:
Why?

Young Gil Buckman:
This was a great symbolic moment of my life. My father dumping me with you… it’s why I swore things would be different with my kids. It’s my dream. Strong, happy, confident kids.

Stan:
That’s great, that’s great. You know, you – you got a lovely family, and I’m a god-damn amalgam!

Helen:
[whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod]

[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]

Helen:
I… I… I think this this one is my favorite.

Julie:
It was just for fun, Mom.

Helen:
Well, I’m glad to know it’s not a job. That’s that Tod, isn’t it? There’s one with his face.

[as she looks closer at the photos]

Julie:
Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?

Helen:
Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don’t know where to separate them.

[holds up a different photo]

Helen:
Oh! Whoo! Here’s something for my wallet!

Julie:
Tod is very important to me.

Helen:
And we’ve got the photos to prove it!

[as she holds up the sex photos again]

Julie:
Mom…

Helen:
[looking again at the photos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?

Julie:
Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn’t require batteries.

Karen:
Do you really have to go?

Gil:
My whole life is “have to.”

Gil:
Keep Patty away from Larry – suck the intelligence right out of her.

Student 1 at College:
Someone’s gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!

Dean at College:
It’s Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!

Student 2 at College:
What’s he yelling?

Kevin Buckman Age 21:
YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!

Gil:
[Yelling through a megaphone] Son, I’m sorry. I did all the best I could.

[Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands]

Gil:
Nice shot, son! It’s important to be supportive. Come on, let’s sing one of the old tunes. “When you’re sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea…”

Helen:
Open this door! Goddamnit! I was just like a little respect! Not a lot, just a little! Do you know why I’m having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!

[Tod is struggling with Julie]

Tod:
Julie, you belong with me!

Helen:
[hitting him] Let go of her!

Tod:
You’re my wife!

Helen:
I said-!

[stops]

Helen:
His what?

Julie:
His wife. We got married a few days ago.

Helen:
[hitting her] Are you out of your *mind*? Are you out of your *mind*?

Frank:
You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that?

Gil:
Yeah, Mom said… something about it a couple of years ago.

Frank:
Yeah, well, for a week we didn’t know. I hated you for that.

[Gil looks surprised and hurt]

Frank:
I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It’s not for me.

Julie:
I wouldn’t live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree!

Frank:
[on parenting] It’s like your Aunt Edna’s ass. It goes on forever and it’s just as frightening.

Gil:
That’s true.

Frank:
There is no end zone. You never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance. Never.

[after inhaling balloon helium]

Grandma:
When I was born, Grover Cleveland was president. Hee-hee!

[after finding her 15-year-old son’s bag full of porno tapes]

Helen:
l assume you’re watching these because you’re curious about sex… you know. Or filmmaking.

Karen:
He likes to butt things… with his head.

Nathan:
How proud you must be.

Gil:
Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

Tod:
[upon finding Julie at her own house with her mother] Julie!

Julie:
Tod?

Tod:
I thought I’d find you here.

Julie:
What does that make you, Sherlock Holmes? I live here!

Tod:
You live with me.

Julie:
I wouldn’t live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree.

Marilyn Buckman:
Cool is adorable. Adorable! Why didn’t you write us when you had a son?

Larry Buckman:
I didn’t know myself until a couple of months ago. You see, a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl. Showgirl. She was in that show “Elvis On Ice”. Anyhow, we drifted apart, as people do in these complicated times, and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool and tells me “You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country.” That’s a parent?

Julie:
I can’t do this! This is too intense!

Helen:
This is marriage!

Gil:
We’ll throw away the TV. We’ll perform Shakespeare in front of him.

[after Gil and Karen get into an accident when she tries to “relax” him]

Highway Policeman:
So, how did this happen?

Gil:
[gives Karen a look] Show him, honey.

[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing “The Diarrhea Song” while Taylor laughs]

Kevin Buckman:
When you’re slidin’ into first and you’re feelin’ somethin’ burst, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you’re slidin’ into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you’re slidin’ into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you’re drivin’ in your Chevy and your pants are feelin’ heavy, diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Karen:
Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?

Kevin Buckman:
Last summer at camp, Mom.

Gil:
Ah, that was money well spent.

Kevin Buckman, Justin, Taylor:
[singing again] When you’re slidin’ into first and you’re feelin’ somethin’ burst, diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Gil:
[Gil and Larry are reuniting] How long has it been? Three years?

Larry Buckman:
Something like that.

Gil:
You stopped wearing your turban!

Larry Buckman:
[laughs] Yeah!

Susan:
Patty, why don’t you play with Justin?

Patty:
I don’t understand what he’s doing.

Susan:
Well, he’s… spinning.

Patty:
What for?

Susan:
Uh… no reason, just for fun.

Patty:
It doesn’t look like fun.

Nathan:
It isn’t.

Susan:
[gives Nathan a funny look] You tried it?

Cool:
My dad’s going away.

Frank:
Yes.

Cool:
He’s leaving right away.

Frank:
Yes.

Cool:
Is he ever coming back?

Frank:
[quietly, after a very long pause] No.

[another pause]

Frank:
Would you like to live here, with us?

Cool:
[nods] Yeah.

Frank:
[smiles] Good.

Gil:
[Comes home after quitting his job] Hey, this is not a playground, okay? Not now, not now! Knock it off!

[Dealing with black straps on a broken videotape]

Gil:
I can’t believe they did this.

Karen:
Alright, the other kids left, ours is watching a tape, Helen dropped your Grandma off. Let’s talk.

Gil:
I quit my job.

Karen:
Why?

Gil:
They gave the partnership to Phil Richards. Phil Richards, this is a guy who leaves his wife and kids, and then puts all his money in his girlfriend’s name so they can’t touch him for child support. I mean the guy is… . Anyway, I couldn’t stand it. I snapped.

Karen:
Can you change your mind?

Gil:
What do you mean change my mind? I quit.

Karen:
I know but, did you say anything that would make it difficult for them to take you back?

Gil:
Jesus, honey, I was hoping you would be a little more supportive.

Karen:
I’m pregnant.

Gil:
[pauses momentarily as he is in shock] Since when?

Karen:
Since I am. I’m due in February. I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure.

Gil:
How did this happen?

Karen:
It was an accident. Anyhow, now isn’t the best time for you to be out of work or starting a new job.

Gil:
You know if you told me there’s a chance this might happen, I might’ve not quit in the first place.

Karen:
Well, you never told me there was a chance you quit!

Gil:
It was a spur of the moment decision.

Karen:
Pretty big one.

Gil:
So what are you saying I should do? Crawl back into work and kiss Dave’s feet and get my crappy job back? I quit. If I go back now, I’m a eunuch.

Karen:
You know, this is a minor crimp in my life, too. I was thinking about starting back to work in the fall. Now I can’t.

Gil:
Well, that’s the difference between men and women. Women have choices. Men have responsibilities.

Karen:
Oh, really? Oh, ok, well, then I choose for you to have the baby. That’s my choice. You have the baby! You get fat! You breast feed until your nipples are sore! I’ll go back to work!

Gil:
Alright, let’s return from La-La Land because that ain’t gonna happen. Whether I crawl back to Dave or get another job, then now I’m gonna have to spend less time at home.

[Slams the broken tape into the trash can]

Gil:
I’ll have to do business dinners, I’ll have to play racquetball, and I’m gonna have to get guys laid. So I hope you don’t mind bringing home some prostitutes honey, because that’s what it takes to get anywhere and I’m not getting anywhere. Whatever happens, you have to count on less help from me.

Karen:
Why don’t you just say what you’re really thinking?

Gil:
What am I thinking?

Karen:
I should have an abortion.

Gil:
I didn’t say that. That’s a decision every woman has to make on her own.

Karen:
Are you running for Congress?

[Gil is guilty]

Karen:
Don’t give me that. I want your opinion on what we should do. Let’s pretend it’s your decision, okay? Pretend you’re a caveman or your father. What do you want me to do?

Gil:
I want whatever you want.

Karen:
Well, I want to have the baby.

Gil:
Well, great! Let’s have it then! Let’s see how I can screw the 4th one up! Hey, let’s have 5, let’s have 6! Let’s have a dozen and pretend they’re doughnuts! I’m really happy about things, aren’t you?

Karen:
You know with a frame of your mind, not only am I not sure about having another baby, I’m not sure we can keep the 3 we got.

Gil:
Well I’m ready to discuss it. However, I can’t right now because I gotta go to the goddamn Little League! 10 little boys are waiting for me guiding in the last place.

Karen:
You really have to go?

Gil:
My whole life is that I have to.

Frank:
Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen’s or Susan’s wedding I got drunk at?

Gil:
It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.

Frank:
Well, which one did I punch the band leader?

Gil:
That was mine. We have photos. I’m having them blown up for the commitment hearings.

[Susan laughs]

Frank:
[mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he’s funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn’t as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.

Gil:
[sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.

Helen:
Tod?

Tod:
Yeah?

Helen:
Do you want me to make you breakfast?

Tod:
No thanks, Julie will.

Helen:
Great.

[then adds under her breath]

Helen:
I’ll get the fire extinguisher.

Gil:
[Frank has asked Gil for advice about Larry] And you want my advice? Why me? Why now?

Frank:
Because I know you think I was a shitty father.

[Gil is silent]

Frank:
Thank you for not arguing. And I know you’re a good father.

Nathan:
[after inspecting Susan’s diaphragm and finding a hole] Well?

Susan Buckman Merrick:
Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?

Nathan:
To check. To see if it’s OK. You didn’t know I did that, did you?

Susan Buckman Merrick:
No.

Nathan:
Obviously not or you wouldn’t have tried this.

Susan Buckman Merrick:
Are you accusing me of making that hole?

Nathan:
No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom, opened the drawer with his little wing and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm!

Garry:
What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave?

Justin:
Who’s that?

Gil:
That’s my kid brother, Larry, your uncle.

[whispers]

Gil:
Don’t give him any money.

Justin:
I won’t.

[Gil sees Justin wearing nothing but a gunbelt]

Gil:
That’s what you’re wearing to bed? You’ll catch a cold!

[Justin puts on a cowboy hat]

Gil:
Perfect!

[Karen enters]

Gil:
Karen, how about after the kids are asleep…

[referring to Justin]

Gil:
I wear this outfit?

Kevin Buckman Age 21:
Thank you. When I was 9 years old, I had kind of a rough time. A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up. But there was one person who got me through it. He did everything right. And thanks to him today, well I’m the happiest, most confident and most well-adjusted person in this world. Dad, I love you. You’re the greatest!

Helen:
I swear, Julie, if you walk out that door, don’t you dare come back!

Julie:
Don’t worry about it!

[Garry enters]

Julie:
Hey Garry.

Garry:
Hi.

Julie:
I’m moving out.

Garry:
Bye.

[walks out of the room]

Helen:
See? Now you’ve upset your brother!

Susan Buckman Merrick:
[as her husband surprises her by serenading her in the middle of her lesson] Nathan, we’re trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs.

[after his wife just told him she’s pregnant with their 4th child]

Gil:
Well, great! Let’s see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey, let’s have five. Let’s have six. Let’s have a dozen and pretend they’re donuts!

Gil:
They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn’t like the look on his face. It was like this…

[smiles goofily]

Gil:
… so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin’ away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin’ on his guts, too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts… afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That’s mighty courteous of you. Here we go!

[holds up a jumble of twisted balloons]

Gil:
Your lower intestines.

Frank:
[after power failure] Your mouth used up all the power.

Susan:
You see, when I met him, I was a little wild, I was a little out of control and he kind of… took me in hand. I liked that. He’s very… commanding. He got me into teaching, he got my shit together. Boy, he really turned on.

Karen:
[incredulous] Really?

[changes her tone of voice]

Karen:
I-I mean, uh, of course. Really?

Susan:
Oh, Nathan and I used to be hot. I know he doesn’t look it but, I mean, we were like rabbits. I used to give him… you know… oral, you know… on the highway.

Karen:
What?

Susan:
You know, he was always trying to get a research grant.

Karen:
And you thought that would help?

Susan:
No. But, I mean, he kept getting turned down and he’d get real, real tense. So, if I saw him getting, you know, really tense, I’d just… lean over while he was driving and, uh…

Larry Buckman:
Dad, I can’t get a break. I have been so close so many times I could touch it.

Frank:
Did you ever think about getting a job?

Larry Buckman:
Oh great. Oh that is just great now. What did you always tell me? “Make your mark, don’t be one of the numbers.”

Frank:
You misunderstood me. You weren’t listening.

David Brodsky:
Gil, I’ve spoken with Ted and Dan, and we have decided to make Phil Richards a partner.

Gil:
[Really ticked off] Holy shit.

David Brodsky:
I know you’re upset.

Gil:
Upset? Haven’t you seen the deals I’ve been putting together? I’ve been killing myself. I mean, aren’t you dazzled?

David Brodsky:
You still don’t get it, do you? Phil has just brought in 3 brand-new multimillion-dollar clients. He has spent the last month wining and dining these guys, getting them laid. He doesn’t tell me about problems with his kids. I’m not even sure if he has kids. If this man’s dick fell off, he would still show up and come to work. He’s an animal. That’s what dazzles, not the work. You can’t do what he does. You hate that shit. Now, Phil Richards…

Gil:
I quit!

David Brodsky:
Oh Gil.

Gil:
Forget it. Phil brought you some big clients. You’re happy.

David Brodsky:
Oh, Gil.

Gil:
I’m just gonna call my clients, give them the news, then I’m out of here. Friday is my last day. Don’t make me a party.

David Brodsky:
Gil!

Gil:
Da-a-ave.

Julie:
I can’t believe I trusted him…

Helen:
Well, what did you expect from a kid like that?

Julie:
Oh, Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.

Tod:
[interrupts foreplay to take out a picture camera] Now we can record our love.

Gil:
They’re bad dudes. That’s why they call the game “Bad Dudes.”

Lou:
Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game?

Gil:
Way to be supportive, Lou.

[about Tod and Julie’s marriage]

Helen:
I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.

Gil:
[lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator] What’s this?

[switches vibrator on]

Gil:
[lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]

Taylor:
Mommy, what was that?

Karen:
That was… an electric ear cleaner.

Taylor:
It was kind of big.

Grandma:
It sure was!

Tod:
Hi. Where’s my wife?

Helen:
She’s still at school. She’s got cheerleading practice.

Tod:
Bitchin’.

Justin:
[seeing Taylor get pushed around in a school play] They’re hurting my sister!

Gil:
He’s going! Get him!

Justin:
Hang on, Taylor! Taylor, I’m gonna save you.

Nathan:
What are you so upset about?

Susan:
Nathan, she’s weird. She’s a weird child. I think a few days a week of preschool could be very helpful.

Nathan:
This is not the right age for Patty to be socially activated. We went through this.

Susan:
She’s not a bomb, she’s a little kid who has no ability to relate to other little kids.

Nathan:
[points at Justin] You want her to relate to him?

[Justin currently has his head stuck in the back of a sun lounger]

Justin:
Help, help, help.

Patty:
[reading a book] “The Penal Colony”, by Franz Kafka.

Gil:
Hey, Nathan, Patty a doctor yet?

Nathan:
Mock, if you will.

Gil:
All right.

Nathan:
Our children are more capable of retaining and absorbing information than we are and yet we insist on treating them like adorable little morons.

Gil:
What are you saying, Patty can learn things I can’t learn?

Nathan:
[lays out four cards with lots of red dots stuck on them] Patty, which one of these is the square root of 8,649?

Patty:
[looks at the cards for a few seconds then points at one] 93.

[Nathan picks up the card, checks the answer on the back then shows it to Gil. Patty is correct. Gil pulls an expression of disbelief and thumps his head with his palm]

Nathan:
They’re like sponges, Gil, just waiting to absorb.

Justin:
[picks up one of the cards] I want this.

Nathan:
You see? Take my advice, forget about Kevin and Taylor, it’s too late. Work on Justin.

Gil:
Actually, Justin is quite bright. In his preschool class, he was the only…

[Justin picks one of the red dot stickers off the card and puts it in his mouth]

Gil:
Slow down, Justin. I’ll get you some dip.

Nathan:
You see, Grandma, Patty studies Eastern philosophy. Our future leaders are going to have to be much more in tune with the Oriental mind.

[Grandma looks confused and shakes her head]

Karen:
Justin’s going to go full time next year, so everybody’s asking when I’m going to go back to work. Like I’m supposed to. And I’m thinking about it, I mean, I used to like work, it was OK, but… you know, I think I’m better at this, I mean, I think I’m sort of good at it, so… But then people make me feel embarrassed, like I don’t have goals or something. Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right? Oh, I don’t know.

Helen:
Well, what does Gil say?

Karen:
He says I should do whatever I want. I could have killed him for that.